Struggling.

I am suffering. I am struggling.
I am literally in pain from this heartbreak.
I cannot control my feelings of jealousy.
I cannot help comparing our situation to that of everyone else.
It is petty but it is reality.
I honestly don't how to deal with the range of emotions I am feeling.
I feel like life is moving on without us.
Everyone is starting their families and here we sit.
In the same place we were three years ago.
In the same place we were when I titled this blog.
In the same place we will likely be when the calendar reads 2013.
When will it ever be our turn?
WILL it ever be our turn?
Will I ever get to see myself in the face of a child?
Will I ever get to argue with Ryan about who our child looks most like?
Will we ever get to put ultrasound pics on the refrigarator?
Will we ever get to pick out names?
These are the thoughts that plague me.
They make it difficult to think of anything else.

Sorry if this is incoherent but I need an outlet.
And I think that is what a blog if for, right?

Loss.

I debated on whether or not to write this post.
In the end, I think it will help me to get it out.

Ryan and I started a cycle in August to use our frozen embryos.
The doctor tried some experiemental medicine to help my uterine lining.
Everything looked great so we thawed two of our three embryos.
The doctor decided that since one looked great but the other looked just "so-so" that he would thaw the third embryo.
It ended up looking so-so as well so he told us he would like to transfer all three of our remaining embryos.
We agreed and the procedure went well.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I have purchased several boxed of home pregnancy tests.
I start testing ridiculously early because I just can't help myself.
One morning, I am about to toss the test when I do a double take.
There is a second line there!!!!
I immediately start crying and laughing and dancing.
I call Ryan in to confirm that I am not hallucinating.
He confirms and we let ourselves be in that moment.

From that point on we get up every morning to take a new test and delight in the two-line-ness.
I went into the doctor early to confirm the pregnancy with a blood test.
They called and for the first time in my life someone said, "You're pregnant".
I never thought I would hear those words and my heart was so full it brought tears to my eyes again.
They told me to come back to make sure the numbers were increasing properly in a couple of days.

I went back and they called to tell me that it looked like something was wrong.
They said the numbers were not increasing at a normal rate.
They prepared me for a possible miscarriage.
The next mornings home pregnancy test was lighter and I knew they were right.
That night I had some spotting but it stopped quickly.
Ryan and I prayed that it was just a mistake.
We tried to come up with every reason we could imagine to explain the bleeding and low numbers.

I went back in to the doctor this past Friday and they told me I had lost the pregnancy.
All that was left to do was wait for my body to react.

At this point, all I can say is that we are trying.
We are trying to understand this.
We are trying to deal with our feelings.
We are trying not to be angry.

We are trying.

Prayer request.

For those of you out there that pray, I have two special prayer request.
I will keep them vague but please send up a prayer for me and one for a loved one.
For those of you who don't pray, please send your good vibes and positive thoughts.

I appreciate your kindness and hope to share stories of thanksgiving about these situations later.

Love you guys!

Sorry about the hassle :)

Now for the updates.
Ryan's buddy from flight school has been in town this week and they went on a deep sea fishing trip.
I have to brag about my hubby, check out the fish he caught.

We also finally found out Ryan's pre-deployment leave dates!!
We have to wait until tomorrow to book our tickets but if all goes well we will be leaving Hawaii Dec. 9th.
We will spend a few days in Virginia before heading to Texas for a day and then on to Oklahoma.
It is going to be such a bittersweet time.
Having all of my siblings (Riki, Brett, Robin & Eric) in the same state for the first time.
Plus meeting my nephew for the first time :)
But also preparing to say goodbye to my honey for a year.
Our trip home will also serve as Ryan moving me home for the year.
So Oklahoma better get ready cause here I (and Murphy and Duke) come.

My first graduate level course is going pretty well.
I am glad that I only took one class this semester because I barely find time for my homework.
Work is great but the hours are so draining.
Ryan is finishing up his Aviation Law course and I think he will be pretty happy when that is past him.

Now I get to look forward to shipping my car, the pups and storing everything else.
The next few months are going to be crazy!
I also get to notify my employer that I would like a transfer after less than 2 months :(
We will see how that goes over.
It may turn out that I am unemployed when I get home, but that's okay.
This is too good of an opportunity to miss.

I think that is all for now :)
Love you guys!