I have had this blog on my heart for so long.
Six months to be exact.
I have laid it out so perfectly, so many times in my head.
I am sure to fall short of my own expectations.
But here goes.
As I am sure all of you know, Ryan and I have struggled with infertility for years.
We knew we wanted a family early on in our marriage and we were ready to get started.
However, life had other plans for us. Or rather God had other plans for us.
Of course, we didn't see it at the time.
Naturally, we were filled with grief and despair, anger and resentment.
And overwhelming impatience.
We tried every fertility treatment in existence to no avail.
I tried every home remedy I could find.
You name it, I ate/drank/lathered in it.
Through all of our ups and downs, we stuck by each other.
There was never a question about the sturdiness of our relationship.
Just whether or not we would ever be parents.
In September 2011 we did a frozen cycle and we got pregnant.
We lost the pregnancy very early on and we both knew that was the end of fertility treatments for us.
As Ryan's deployment date got closer and closer, we found ourselves feeling drawn toward adoption.
It had always been in the back of our minds but we had been so steadfast in our pursuit of fertility treatments that we neglected the idea.
Until we didn't.
Once we decided that adoption was the path for us, there was an overwhelming peace.
I no longer laid in bed cursing my body (and God, and anything else I could think of).
I knew that when the baby God created for us came along, we would know it.
And then there was Z.
God has never revealed himself to me the way he did during those first days.
We got "the call" on my grandparents anniversary (and cousins wedding day).
Which is so special because my grandparents adopted three little girls (my mom being one of them).
In my heart, I just knew it was a sign that this was it.
In the days leading up to "the call", Ryan's grandmother, Nanny, passed away.
Those were some of the hardest days of the deployment for Ryan and I.
Ryan's mom said that she had comfort knowing that Nanny had gone to Heaven to handpick a baby for us.
At the time, we had no idea how true those words would be.
Ten days after Nanny became an angel, we were told that a baby would be born the next day and that he would be our son.
I still get goosebumps thinking about how plainly we have been shown that our loved ones still look out for us.
Z is almost 7 months old now and everyday Ryan and I feel more and more thankful.
During our evening walks, our conversation often turns to the way things have played out.
They say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, we wouldn't change a thing.
So thank you infertility:
For bringing us closer to God.
For making our marriage stronger.
For insuring we never take a moment for granted with Z.
For giving us five years of getting to know each other on a one-on-one basis.
For time to travel and experience things we would not be able to do otherwise.
For changing us both for the better.
I hope that our story can help other people.
Even just one would be great.
I pray that someone would read this and remember that God has a plan.
And even though that plan is probably so far from what you have planned, it's going to be perfect.
I am certain that Z was created to be our baby.
He is perfectly suited for us, and us for him.
It is not a coincidence.
It is not good luck.
It is God's plan.
It was always meant to be this way.
Six months to be exact.
I have laid it out so perfectly, so many times in my head.
I am sure to fall short of my own expectations.
But here goes.
As I am sure all of you know, Ryan and I have struggled with infertility for years.
We knew we wanted a family early on in our marriage and we were ready to get started.
However, life had other plans for us. Or rather God had other plans for us.
Of course, we didn't see it at the time.
Naturally, we were filled with grief and despair, anger and resentment.
And overwhelming impatience.
We tried every fertility treatment in existence to no avail.
I tried every home remedy I could find.
You name it, I ate/drank/lathered in it.
Through all of our ups and downs, we stuck by each other.
There was never a question about the sturdiness of our relationship.
Just whether or not we would ever be parents.
In September 2011 we did a frozen cycle and we got pregnant.
We lost the pregnancy very early on and we both knew that was the end of fertility treatments for us.
As Ryan's deployment date got closer and closer, we found ourselves feeling drawn toward adoption.
It had always been in the back of our minds but we had been so steadfast in our pursuit of fertility treatments that we neglected the idea.
Until we didn't.
Once we decided that adoption was the path for us, there was an overwhelming peace.
I no longer laid in bed cursing my body (and God, and anything else I could think of).
I knew that when the baby God created for us came along, we would know it.
And then there was Z.
God has never revealed himself to me the way he did during those first days.
We got "the call" on my grandparents anniversary (and cousins wedding day).
Which is so special because my grandparents adopted three little girls (my mom being one of them).
In my heart, I just knew it was a sign that this was it.
In the days leading up to "the call", Ryan's grandmother, Nanny, passed away.
Those were some of the hardest days of the deployment for Ryan and I.
Ryan's mom said that she had comfort knowing that Nanny had gone to Heaven to handpick a baby for us.
At the time, we had no idea how true those words would be.
Ten days after Nanny became an angel, we were told that a baby would be born the next day and that he would be our son.
I still get goosebumps thinking about how plainly we have been shown that our loved ones still look out for us.
Z is almost 7 months old now and everyday Ryan and I feel more and more thankful.
During our evening walks, our conversation often turns to the way things have played out.
They say hindsight is 20/20 and looking back, we wouldn't change a thing.
So thank you infertility:
For bringing us closer to God.
For making our marriage stronger.
For insuring we never take a moment for granted with Z.
For giving us five years of getting to know each other on a one-on-one basis.
For time to travel and experience things we would not be able to do otherwise.
For changing us both for the better.
I hope that our story can help other people.
Even just one would be great.
I pray that someone would read this and remember that God has a plan.
And even though that plan is probably so far from what you have planned, it's going to be perfect.
I am certain that Z was created to be our baby.
He is perfectly suited for us, and us for him.
It is not a coincidence.
It is not good luck.
It is God's plan.
It was always meant to be this way.
