I need to talk.

I know it has been months since I last blogged but to be honest, I have just been trying to get by without R.
It is amazing how you can live your whole life (well, 23 years) not knowing someone and then once they are in your life, it is as if you forget how to live without them.
I am not saying that we do everything together but we do always have the option of doing things together.
Now I am solo, like it or not.
And that is okay, because I know that this is what being a military spouse is about.
And I know that this is why Ryan became a pilot, to save the lives of troops.
In fact, the motto of the 25th ID is:

 

We Fly For The Troops
• Dark of Night, Heat of Day
• Challenging Weather
• Harsh Terrain
• Hostile Territory• Always Mitigating Risk
• With the Best Maintained Equipment in the Army

 Until The Fight on the Ground Is Won!

But no matter how motivating the motto, or how many years you are a military spouse, it never gets any easier when you hear about the loss of your husband's friends.
Thursday, Ryan lost three of his friends in a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.
And I have no idea how to comfort him, I feel completely useless.
And on top of that, I feel the need to be comforted myself.
I feel this loss too. I feel it for him.
I feel it for their families.
It wasn't Ryan but it was someones "Ryan".
Everyone over there has someone waiting back home, praying for their return, sending them letters and packages. Waiting for pictures and emails.
There are people just like me, who have just learned their loved one is not coming home.
And that is too much to bear.

And the part that really breaks my heart is that no one even knows this happened.
Our media spends countless hours telling us that Dick Clark and Whitney Houston have died but most Americans are not even aware that a helicopter crashed last Thursday.
They have no idea that four heroes are gone.
Every one's lives just go on as frivolously as ever.
It is hard not to get bitter.
It is hard not to resent people for not caring.
How can they be so clueless?
How can they be so unaware?

When these things happen, it makes everything else seem so trivial.
There is a two year old out there today who will never see his dad again.
There is a wife who will never kiss her husband again.
There are mothers and fathers who will never get to tell their sons they love them again.
And people are complaining about Mondays or traffic or bills or being busy?
I just want to scream "Get some perspective"!!

I'm sure I could go on in this manner for an hour but it won't change anything.
If you are offended by this, it is probably safe to say that I am offended by you.
So let's just agree to disagree.

Hello strangers.

I have been away for a long time.
And I am not sure if I am officially back yet.
The next couple of months are going to be very busy.
So I am not how much time I will have to blog.
But I want everyone to know that I am alive and well.

My last day at work will be this Thursday.
Unfortunately, there are no positions available in OKC.
Maybe something will open up when I get home, or maybe its not meant to be.
We will just have to wait and see.

Ryan is in full deployment preparation mode.
He got his new uniforms last week.
We are starting to pack the house and his bags.
Our pod has been delivered and our stuff is going to start going into it this weekend.
The dogs will be shipped to OKC in two weeks.
My car will be shipped the following week.
By the last day of the month, we will be homeless.

Then comes the fun part, we are off to Virginia!
Then Dallas! Then Oklahoma!!

And then the awful part, Ryan leaves.
But I will not dwell on that now, I have an entire year to do that.

In other news, our adoption application is submitted!
We will have our homestudy done while we are in OK.
And that will mean that during the year Ryan is gone, we will be able to adopt.
Everyone keep us in your prayers please.
Hopefully by this time next year we will have a baby in our lives.

So as you can see, there is a lot going on us so please excuse my lack of posting.
Love you guys!

Struggling.

I am suffering. I am struggling.
I am literally in pain from this heartbreak.
I cannot control my feelings of jealousy.
I cannot help comparing our situation to that of everyone else.
It is petty but it is reality.
I honestly don't how to deal with the range of emotions I am feeling.
I feel like life is moving on without us.
Everyone is starting their families and here we sit.
In the same place we were three years ago.
In the same place we were when I titled this blog.
In the same place we will likely be when the calendar reads 2013.
When will it ever be our turn?
WILL it ever be our turn?
Will I ever get to see myself in the face of a child?
Will I ever get to argue with Ryan about who our child looks most like?
Will we ever get to put ultrasound pics on the refrigarator?
Will we ever get to pick out names?
These are the thoughts that plague me.
They make it difficult to think of anything else.

Sorry if this is incoherent but I need an outlet.
And I think that is what a blog if for, right?

Loss.

I debated on whether or not to write this post.
In the end, I think it will help me to get it out.

Ryan and I started a cycle in August to use our frozen embryos.
The doctor tried some experiemental medicine to help my uterine lining.
Everything looked great so we thawed two of our three embryos.
The doctor decided that since one looked great but the other looked just "so-so" that he would thaw the third embryo.
It ended up looking so-so as well so he told us he would like to transfer all three of our remaining embryos.
We agreed and the procedure went well.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I have purchased several boxed of home pregnancy tests.
I start testing ridiculously early because I just can't help myself.
One morning, I am about to toss the test when I do a double take.
There is a second line there!!!!
I immediately start crying and laughing and dancing.
I call Ryan in to confirm that I am not hallucinating.
He confirms and we let ourselves be in that moment.

From that point on we get up every morning to take a new test and delight in the two-line-ness.
I went into the doctor early to confirm the pregnancy with a blood test.
They called and for the first time in my life someone said, "You're pregnant".
I never thought I would hear those words and my heart was so full it brought tears to my eyes again.
They told me to come back to make sure the numbers were increasing properly in a couple of days.

I went back and they called to tell me that it looked like something was wrong.
They said the numbers were not increasing at a normal rate.
They prepared me for a possible miscarriage.
The next mornings home pregnancy test was lighter and I knew they were right.
That night I had some spotting but it stopped quickly.
Ryan and I prayed that it was just a mistake.
We tried to come up with every reason we could imagine to explain the bleeding and low numbers.

I went back in to the doctor this past Friday and they told me I had lost the pregnancy.
All that was left to do was wait for my body to react.

At this point, all I can say is that we are trying.
We are trying to understand this.
We are trying to deal with our feelings.
We are trying not to be angry.

We are trying.

Prayer request.

For those of you out there that pray, I have two special prayer request.
I will keep them vague but please send up a prayer for me and one for a loved one.
For those of you who don't pray, please send your good vibes and positive thoughts.

I appreciate your kindness and hope to share stories of thanksgiving about these situations later.

Love you guys!

Sorry about the hassle :)

Now for the updates.
Ryan's buddy from flight school has been in town this week and they went on a deep sea fishing trip.
I have to brag about my hubby, check out the fish he caught.

We also finally found out Ryan's pre-deployment leave dates!!
We have to wait until tomorrow to book our tickets but if all goes well we will be leaving Hawaii Dec. 9th.
We will spend a few days in Virginia before heading to Texas for a day and then on to Oklahoma.
It is going to be such a bittersweet time.
Having all of my siblings (Riki, Brett, Robin & Eric) in the same state for the first time.
Plus meeting my nephew for the first time :)
But also preparing to say goodbye to my honey for a year.
Our trip home will also serve as Ryan moving me home for the year.
So Oklahoma better get ready cause here I (and Murphy and Duke) come.

My first graduate level course is going pretty well.
I am glad that I only took one class this semester because I barely find time for my homework.
Work is great but the hours are so draining.
Ryan is finishing up his Aviation Law course and I think he will be pretty happy when that is past him.

Now I get to look forward to shipping my car, the pups and storing everything else.
The next few months are going to be crazy!
I also get to notify my employer that I would like a transfer after less than 2 months :(
We will see how that goes over.
It may turn out that I am unemployed when I get home, but that's okay.
This is too good of an opportunity to miss.

I think that is all for now :)
Love you guys!

Sneak Peek!

I know I have been neglecting my blog.
I am very sorry, working is a lot more exhausting than I remember.
But I wanted to provide a little glimpse at the fun we have been having since Robin and Eric arrived.
More to come soon!